Two for Flinching

I flinch

instinctively
immediately

and I can’t help
but wonder whether
I’ll ever unlearn
the tendency.

I’m angry
a little and

I can’t deny it.

And anger
is more useful
than sadness.

But nothing
makes you
feel alive
like fear.

And I am
always afraid.

And so I flinch

instinctively
immediately

assuming that
someone needs
something that
for some reason
only I can deliver.

Always.

At every moment
and in every turn.

I am so tired
and I am so angry
and I am so afraid.

And while part of me
can’t help but
wonder whether
I’ll ever unlearn
the tendency

the truth is I know
that I never will.
~5/19/17

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No More

I fell in love
with the first man
who ever loved me
because he loved me.

I remember
the day I met him.
It was something
about the eyes.
So kind.

I should
probably regret it
but honestly
I don’t.

I saw everything
he was afraid
to look at and
saw him for
everything he
could be.

I fell in love
with the last man
who ever loved me
because he didn’t
want to love me.

I remember
the day I met him.
It was something
about his voice.
So clear.

He should
probably regret it
but honestly
he won’t.

I heard everything
he was too scared
to hear and heard
everything he
didn’t say.

I knew what
they could
mean to me
and no less
and no more.

So now what
am I looking for?
~5/9/17

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Torture

The door opens and
he’s standing there

(and the irrational
part of me wants
to camp out here
from now on and
wait because) he’s
always ready to
see me when I’m
standing in his path.

He lets his hand graze
across my back whenever
I get within his reach and
I’d never dream of
discouraging him,

in fact, I welcome it.

But amid all the bright
and begging moments
I have to pause and

plead with him to
please stop
torturing me
this way.

I’m standing in his path.

I get out of the way
whenever he asks
but he always seems
to like seeing me
standing in his path.

I just wish he didn’t
spend so much time

standing in his own

and torturing me
with it this way.
~4/19/17
___
… MEN.

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