I’d Rather Not Though

If I came with a warning label it would look like this.
I will listen to you talk about whatever you want. Whenever.
I’m going to laugh and tell you people think I’m strong.
They’re lying.
I’ll buy dinner, because I still don’t trust my cooking.
I will enter every conversation with intention
and leave it with so much unsaid, again.

I will always put the cap back on the toothpaste.
I promise I’ll do the dishes, just not today.
It would be best if you didn’t try
to get between me and my cross stitch.
I may not steal the covers but I’ll definitely kick you in my sleep.
I hope I’ll be able to write loads of bad poetry about you
and that you will just ignore it.
I will turn away from you assuming
you will turn me around, again.

I’ll give you sad eyes
whenever an overbearing member
of my family asks too much of me
but I will demand we have
dinner with them once a month.

I will eat nothing but yogurt
for days at a time and wonder why
you’re making such a big fuss over it.

I will answer the door
in one of your dress shirts
and only one of your dress shirts
as soon as you give me one.

I will insist that
I’m just fine without you
and it will be true
but still I’d rather
be with you than without.
You’re still my favorite way to suffer and
you should take that for the compliment it is.

I will continually ask questions even though
you don’t give me any answers and I will
live for the ones I can pull out of you.

I will not let you make me feel badly
about any of these things because
when you’re in love, you have to accept
everything that I am, that I wish I was,
and that I’m trying so desperately to be.
If you don’t get that, you don’t get me,
and you don’t get to live in my mess.
~5/2/17

______

I wrote an earlier version of something similar to this in October of 2012. And while that version is still pretty accurate, I thought it deserved a rewrite, especially since I can’t seem to write anything else lately.

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Torture

The door opens and
he’s standing there

(and the irrational
part of me wants
to camp out here
from now on and
wait because) he’s
always ready to
see me when I’m
standing in his path.

He lets his hand graze
across my back whenever
I get within his reach and
I’d never dream of
discouraging him,

in fact, I welcome it.

But amid all the bright
and begging moments
I have to pause and

plead with him to
please stop
torturing me
this way.

I’m standing in his path.

I get out of the way
whenever he asks
but he always seems
to like seeing me
standing in his path.

I just wish he didn’t
spend so much time

standing in his own

and torturing me
with it this way.
~4/19/17
___
… MEN.

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This, That, the Other

There is
no waver
to the timbre
of my voice
when I say

you know
me better
than I have
ever known
myself

and so
I wonder why
you waver when
I stake my claim
on the same.

Speak softly
as long as you
need to and
remember

I will always
hear you.

Especially
the things you
think and do
not say.
~4/14/17

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Commit

I can tell
what he wants
but that he
can’t commit
to taking it
and he
makes me miss

the way your hand
on the small
of my back
could guide me
anywhere

the way my breath
caught whenever
your eyes met mine
under veiled lids

the way you
possessed me
so immediately
and completely
and the way you
walked away just
as suddenly.

I can tell
what he wants
but that he
can’t commit
to taking it
and he
makes me miss

the men who did
even though they
gave it back again.
~4/11/17
_____
I’ve always been a fan of men (and women) who take what they want (within reason). And nothing is more unattractive to me than a man (or woman) so skittish you can see it when they look at you.

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I Keep Losing You

I keep
losing you.

I wasn’t
prepared
for a world
without you,

so I keep
coming up
against things
I can’t
understand.

You’re the
man who
taught me
the world
wasn’t such a
scary place but

is that
still true
in a world
without you?

I know
you’re gone.

The larger
than life space
you inhabited
is more empty
than any space
has a need to be.

But my heart
got bigger
then, too.

Because it had
to make room
for you.

So you’re gone
but you’re here
and it isn’t enough.

And I keep
losing you.
~4/5/17
_____
How can 5 years feel like 5 minutes? This is bullshit, Universe. As a coping mechanism for life, a person can learn to live with a lot, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments. And the moments are innumerable over the past 5 years where I’d have given anything to talk to Misi. And we’ll never be square, you and me. The scales are always going to be tipped in your favor, Universe, in a world where he doesn’t exist anymore.

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If He Were A Painter

If he were a painter
he’d use long brush strokes
skating his fingers along
the canvas with wide
deliberate abandon.

If he were a painter
he’d use light brush strokes
dancing his fingers up and down
the canvas with frenzied
ecstatic deliberation.

If he were a painter
he’d use heavy brush strokes
searing his fingers into
the canvas with ardent
inevitable resolution.

If I were a canvas
my god
I would let him.
~4/3/17

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