The Scale

You’re
too much

and

it’s never
enough.
~7/18/18

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It Is You Do Every Time

is it ok to
kiss him back
even though he
doesn’t seem to
know where he is?

when he tells you
how beautiful you are
do you believe him

even though he doesn’t
remember how he got there?

do you answer the
tap tap tapping
on the door
when you know
exactly who it is

even if he just
looked up suddenly

not sure how it happened
but knowing he meant it?

It is.
You do.
Every time.

~ 7/15/18

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On Call

I’ll always
be there
when
you call.

Not because
I’m waiting.

Because you fit
ever so seamlessly
into the life

I create
for myself
by myself

a little richer
every day.

I’ll always
be there
when
you call.

Because I know
you’ll always call.
~7/13/18
_____
Boys and girls, everything is coming up Betsy Roses.

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Dear Powers that Be,

It finally happened. I fell in love in the elevator.

Actually, that’s not true. Let’s just say it’s opened some doors, pun intended.

I am 36 years old today. I should stop letting this stuff surprise or bother me, but I have to tell you, I’m not ready. Being closer to 40 than 30 just doesn’t make any sense to me. Of course, mentally, I still feel like a lost 20 something who has no idea what to do with her life or who to do it with. And I don’t think that’s ever going to change, to be honest. And I’m actually ok with that. Turns out I give off a wholly different vibe to the world than the way I’m feeling internally, and I imagine that’s going to keep working for me.

I have a surprise for you, Powers. 35? 35 was fantastic. I feel like crying, I’m so glad for my life right now. I could easily cry happy tears, because it’s a good thing, but they’re more tears of relief and release, assuming I was never going to get one like this. It still had its troubles, nothing and no one is perfect, but really, I’m feeling some hope for the first time in awhile.

I admit, I go back and read the last few birthday notes every year. I feel a need to keep track of where I am compared to where I’ve been. And right now – from where I’m standing – I’m a world away from where I’ve been. And that’s good.

I’m still too fat and I’m still too poor and I’m still too single and I’m still too stuck in the mud, but I’m also a looker who gets her drinks paid for by other people, doesn’t spend the night alone if she doesn’t want to, and even started going to meetings and events again.

It could be a whole lot worse. But I have a feeling it’s only going to get a whole lot better.

Yours, as ever,

Betsy Rose

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Don’t

Don’t promise me.
You know better.
Or, you should.

If you don’t
then we have
bigger problems.

Don’t say
you’ll stay.
Just stay.

Don’t insist
you’ll change.
Just change.

Don’t assume
you’ll deliver.
Just do it.

Don’t promise me.
Don’t.

~6/29/18
_____
I like to believe I’m pretty low maintenance in the sense that the last thing I want from you is empty promises, and I don’t need anything at all from you except the things you tell me you want. That’s all. Don’t say it if you don’t mean it and if you don’t mean it don’t say it.

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