I think that if I sat back and really thought about it, I’d be blown away by the roller coaster nature this year took on. But I was too busy enjoying the ride, to be honest, and that makes me so happy I could cry.
I was disappointed. A lot, actually. But not surprised by it, I suppose, which is sad when you think about it too long. But I am what I am, and even if that girl is different than before, it doesn’t mean the outside world or the people in it and how they interact with me has changed.
That’s the thing. You can be an entirely different person, or at least vastly different than before, and other people are much slower to catch on than you are, and just continue to treat you like Old Betsy. Luckily New Betsy is so far out of fucks to give about it, she barely notices.
I’ve tried to make December a month of purposeful self-care, which is going really well actually. Every emperor in my life seems not to have any clothes, and I’m never going back to the days when I tried to convince myself they did.
If my main goal in life is to be left alone, every day that goes by it seems to be becoming more and more a reality. And I’m thankful for that.
The end of the year has gone about as smoothly as someone like me can hope for, so far, and since it’s nearly over I’ll run the risk of saying we made it. If you put it all on the scale, I’d have to admit that this year has been far better than it has been worse. I can almost count on one hand the number of men who said things to me to make my knees go weak, or kiss my neck in that exact spot or place their hand at just the right hip level to turn me into a puddle of goo, and none of them seem to be done and they are all so good at what they do and what’s more I’m starting to believe them when they call me up and want to spend time with me and compliment me and help me to understand myself better.
Of course, horrible things have happened. More people have been lost to me, to us, but that’s the nature of life. The thing that makes it living is its ending. And I’m grateful for that, too.
I’ll be honest, Powers, and say that another year or two that went the way this year went would be welcome. On the other hand, I’d be happy to have someone to root me to the earth as well. Floating about is fairly freeing, but gets really exhausting, not to mention lonely, after awhile.
All this to say thank you, I suppose. I think we’ve done pretty well by each other in 2016, and I’m grateful to you for it. I look very much forward to what you have in store in 2017. I’m in if you are.