December 18: I’m beginning this letter about 24 hours into a self-imposed Facebook hiatus. Which I am sure is probably causing at least some amount of shock at computer screens the world over. Even just a year ago, if you had suggested such a thing to me, I would have laughed from here to New Years.
But I’m really tired. And I think any little thing I can do to not only add a few minutes to my day, but also take out any added stress, is a solid thing to do.
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, as is typical come mid-December. Wondering what it is I wanted to say. And to be honest, I’ve been thinking good thoughts. Sure, there are things I’d have liked to accomplish this year that didn’t come to fruition, but that happens. There are so many things that DID happen, that were SO great, and SO MUCH better than they could have been simply because I wasn’t expecting them. Sure, I hate surprises, but sometimes they’re ok.
I went from the girl who “always says yes because someone has to” firmly into the “no thank you very much but really I prefer to choose me for once” mentality. It took a lot of work, and it’s not complete yet, but I feel so, so, so much better about my chances…
December 26: Christmas is over, and I can focus firmly on the new year. It’s been a really odd few months (preceded of course by 33 odd years). But very much feels like one step forward, two steps back. And I hate it. It’s raining so hard outside right now, but it was snow ten minutes ago. I wonder if winter will ever really start. Feels like a metaphor for something bigger. I guess I just wish I felt more confident in my choices. I hope I’m not being perceived inappropriately. I am tired of making my choices and immediately second guessing them, and then making them all over again.
December 30: After last night I can say with complete confidence that you have given me almost everything I wanted this year, in a way that I never thought about getting it. Which is of course the best way. The way that makes a person feel sure it was the right thing all along. So I thank you for that. I’m going to try ever so very hard in 2016 to let go a little more. I’ve been doing it, slowly and steadily, this past year – but I know I have a long way to go. For the first time in my memory, however, I actually have faith I can make it happen.
Something changed me. And I’m the kind of person who wants to investigate, to dig, to find out the exact cause. The precise moment. The culprit. The perfect storm that landed me here on my ass. But I can’t because that’s not what happened. I can’t pinpoint any person, place, or thing as the catalyst for this newest New Betsy.
But she’s more confident than any previous version of her that has ever existed. And it’s odd, but it’s amazing, and I hope it never gets old. In last year’s letter to you, I said the same thing. Beginning the year with a level of confidence I’d not experienced before. So I want you to know that I see you, that I’m aware of the significance of the statement and everything that has brought it to life.
As for the ongoing search for balance – it feels ever closer. And therefore ever more precarious. But I think I’ve learned the right lesson when it comes to that, finally, after all this time and all that searching: There’s no such thing. You can get close. And I was far off for a very long time, but the moment you feel like everything balances out, the universe (I’m looking at you) does something to tip the scale. So I think what you’re trying to say is stay as close to balanced as possible for as long as you can, because that’s all anyone can do. Is that right? Is it?
As always, Powers, I will ask for your patience and your kindness and I certainly hope that we can be friends in the days to come. Happiest of New Years to you.