Advice To Those Who Smoke, Drink, And F*ck

Thought Catalog

 Joel Olives Follow Joel Olives Follow

She says it looks like I am not at home in my own skin.
I am always squirming.
My hands,
weaving in and out of disasters,
picking at hangnails.
She tells me I should paint my nails,
it might help.
Make me appear more
together,
less like a bomb waiting to explode.
Does she not see?

I am in charge of my own detonation.

She says I often wrap my own arms around my body,
as if I’m trying to keep my soul from spilling out.
She scoffs,
says my sleeve has a hole in it.
But my life is so full of holes.
I want to tell her,
I would rather be patchwork
than perfect design.

I do not get manicures because I am embarrassed of people
seeing this massacre of fingernails.
I bleed,
let clots form,
and pull at loose strands again.
It has…

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