Matter

I don’t want to
matter to you
right now

because one day

like the answers
you thought you had

the questions you
thought didn’t matter

the feeling you thought
meant one thing but actually
meant something else entirely

you will think of me
in a hazy way
as if you’re reaching
lazily through the fog
to remember any little
detail about me beyond

– oh, that girl
I wonder what
she found
to love? –
~7/24/14
_____
Maybe just a more verbose way of wondering whether it truly is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all… I’m pretty firmly in the camp that says “I don’t want to linger on the idea that I might mean something to you right now. Because some day I am going to break your heart, or you are going to break mine, and it will hurt all over again every time I think about what I thought I used to mean to you, and vice versa.” What if I’m wrong? Why risk it?

Out of nowhere yesterday on the way into work I broke out into a huge grin and thought, “Someday there’s going to be a person who completes me. Someday it is going to be easy to fit together and I am going to know that this is going to take work but there will be joy in the struggle. I just know it.”

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