Someone Has To

I’m not very proud of myself.

I mean I am proud
of how much I can
accomplish with
little support and
for no reason beyond
“Well, someone has to.”

But I’m not proud of myself.

If I had the inner strength
necessary to find the pride
I need then I would have the
peace of mind to say, “No”
and mean it, and find
someone else to be the one
who has to all the time.

I am not proud of myself
and no else ever says
they are proud of me

only that they are glad
I am the someone who does
all the things they would
rather not do at all.
~7/23/14
_____
I am long past the point of needing positive reinforcement from people or to impress anyone. I know what I am capable of and I will do it. I wish I could be happier about a positive result but I just kind of shrug and think, “Yup that was me. Some people know it. Most people don’t. It is what it is.” And then I wonder what kind of person I would be if I’d been taught to do what I wanted instead of what I was told and if I’d been able to pursue the things that would make me proud of myself…

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