Given the Option

I remember
the disconnection.
The knowing you
were out there but
that nothing I said
or did could touch you.

You were everything.
Nothing.
The only person
I understood.
A stranger.

We’ve had
almost every kind
of relationship
two people
can have
and
when I look back
at the worst
of our times,
I grow speechless
because words
can’t express how
grateful I am
to not be there
now.

I’ve been lonely
most of my life
but I never felt
more alone than
when I couldn’t
just call you up
and say, “Talk to me.
Tell me a story.
Tell me everything.”

Some part of me
will always be yours
and some part of you
will always be asking for
some thing you can’t name
but know some part of me
will always provide.

I look down and I don’t know
which arm belongs to who but
I do know that it belongs
draped across a leg that
could be yours or could be mine
but shouldn’t belong anywhere else.
And even when you’re gone you’re here;
I wrap myself in you and fall fast asleep.

I dream of a life before you
and a life without you
and a life lived
entwined with yours
and I wake up remembering
that given the option
I’d rather you stay.
~5/30/13

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