…no matter what happens, my work will stand…

I was reading some random article yesterday on my lunch break, and its probably a quote from some well-coifed, never-need-to-worry-about-a-thing gorgeous movie star or something similar, but I appreciated the jist of the quote: “people who don’t have regrets don’t really live.” And I have to admit it made me stop short.

In high school, my personal motto was “no apologies, no excuses, no regrets.” I always said that I never wanted to do something that I would come to regret, so I chose the situations I found myself in carefully (or at least I tried to) and if things didn’t work out my way, I tried exhaustively to find a lesson to be learned in them.

I think I succeeded pretty well, for over a decade, with that model. But as I’ve stated (multiple times) lately, I’m really quite exhausted. And having to be so picky and over-analytical of every little thing is really starting to wear on me. I’m not 19 years old anymore.

I don’t have expectations (not even low ones, I just don’t have any – to avoid the disappointment) and I usually try to shy away from new years resolutions. But if I had to pick, it would be some hybrid of Newton’s third law and the conviction not to live my life by committee this year. And if that’s the case, both parts of this resolution have already been tested, and how, this 2012.

So here’s the thought process I’m mulling in, lately…

The questions you need to ask: Are you happy? If you’re not, what do you need to be happy? What do you want? Even the smallest thing. What’s the very next thing you want for yourself? And after that. And after that. It’s exhausting as hell but if you get good enough at it, it happens without you having to think about it. If you’re not sure what to say, what needs to happen before you do? The best way to figure out what you’re trying to say is to just start talking.

The things I want to say: Don’t ask me to help if you’re not ready for the assistance. Don’t take liberties with the details of my life because you think you know what’s best for me. It isn’t good enough. There, I said it. We’ve been terrible at each other, for quite awhile now, and I’m putting an end to it, before you can damage my life or I can damage yours anymore than has already been visited on us by each other. I’m standing right here. And I’m ready to move toward you. You just have to take a step…

I deserve to be here. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to get what I want. I deserve the chance to fight like hell for it, and I don’t plan to stop anytime soon. I’m angry. I’m disappointed. I’m terrified I won’t get my opportunity. But I’m done waiting.

So I suppose you could say I’m putting you on notice, 2012 – and everyone out there reading this (there are multiple specific inferences herein, which it is hopefully unnecessary to call out): I’m right here. I will push as hard as I am able as long as someone is pushing back. I will not apologize for taking umbrage with the assumption that I can’t live my own life without assistance from other people. As our illustrious Governor would say, I guess you can get on my bus or I’ll run you over. I am so ready to fight tooth and nail, take all the licks and suffer all the blows that this world, and those in it, can land on me – I’m not afraid of the fight and I never have been. But I’m tired of pushing against an existence that isn’t pushing back. I don’t want to give up. I don’t plan to give up. But I’m suspending my actions until there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Because I’ve never felt more alone. I’m not ashamed to admit I don’t know where to go next, so I’m just going to stand here taking deep breaths.

This doesn’t mean I’m giving up. The exact opposite actually. I’m still a Lady, in Waiting, and I don’t want to be your Queen. I don’t want to tell you what’s right & what’s wrong, what to do & how to do it, and I certainly don’t want you assuming you know all the answers to my life.

And I won’t apologize for that. No apologies. No excuses. All regrets. But not for the reasons you might think.

Let me see if I can condense this thought process… Every action must always have an equal and opposite reaction, based on the people doing the pushing and not those on the periphery.

So friends, the point is: I’m a good person to have in your corner and I will fight until there is nothing left in me. I’d rather face failure with you beside me than success with anyone else. And I’m ready. To push back or walk away. You just tell me which way to go next.