Ecstatic Abandon

I would cry

and you would cringe

because you didn’t know
what to do with it

but then I explained
how much I feel everything
and that it fills me up to
the point of overflowing

and I put so much effort
into trying to make you feel
more secure in the situation

and now I can’t
stop laughing

because I’m sitting
at my desk on a
Monday morning

ecstatic to the point
of tears and even
after all this time

my mind turned to you

I started crying this morning
because I was so happy that
I didn’t have any more room
to keep it inside and now
I am laughing through
joyful tears because I am

grateful to feel safe
in my emotions

and confident enough
to give myself
the permission
to feel them.
~10/29/14
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The problem with spending a number of years off and on in a relationship and being as hung up on calendars as I am, well it makes this time of year complicated, let me just say that.

But I’ve spent the entire morning in tears. Because I am SO DAMN HAPPY. I literally haven’t got any room left inside for all the joy I’m feeling lately and it manifests itself in leaks springing from my eyes. I’ve been harping for years about the lack of balance in my life and I’ve been pep talking myself into making a change for so long but MY GOD the difference between where I am now compared to where I was 365 days ago is staggering and awesome and dammit now I’m going to start crying again! <3

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Limp

10:30PM.
Saturday night.
Still single.
She talks me into
going out to the bar.

I didn’t notice him.
(I never do,
it’s part of the problem).
We’re talking about
the left-over french fries
I forgot I had in the fridge.

He inserts himself into
the conversation
(they always do,
that’s the problem).
Asks how I like them.

Slow turn in
my bar stool.
Eyebrow up.
“Limp.”

Next time I turned
around the seat
beside me was empty.

I should never leave the house.
~10/27/14
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Places I can almost guarantee you I will not find a date:
Church (because duh)
The Bar (because excuse me I was having a conversation with my friends and I don’t recall you being a part of it and rude).

I’m not saying I’m opposed to being approached at a bar. Of course I am. Isn’t that kind of the point of bars? But there is a right and a wrong way to do it. >Shrugs< (The look on his face, though. Died).

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New Plan

Last night, one glass of wine in,
trying to justify our wrong choices -
why we make them and for whom,
Teddy said, “But the point is…”

“Fuck ‘em?” I replied.

“No,” he frowned.
“…Let them fuck themselves!”
~10/22/14
_____
Also, Happy Birthday to the Best! <3

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Schedule

Monday made me
clammy from going
so very far away and

Tuesday did its best
to keep me moving

Wednesday is a walk
to the other side of town

and Thursday there’s
a moment to be closer.

Friday is crawling towards us
and I will crawl my way through

and Saturday will take me back
to where this week started

Sunday seems a world away
at this very moment
and who knows
where I’ll be headed
once I get there.
~10/22/14
_____
Monday I went shopping and Tuesday I cleaned and tonight I have a board meeting and tomorrow a board obligation and Friday there’s a bar crawl and Saturday there’s work to do and Sunday my little sister is preaching at a church on the other side of the world and WHAT IS MY LIFE?! <3

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Around Here

I laughed
when they said
it was because
I drank too much

like I’m not this
sharp tongued
and loud when
I am sober.

When I asked what
her problem was
with me not having
any problems she
said “because of
your past…”

Sad, really.

That you will
always be considered
what you were
when you were
at your worst
around here.
~10/20/14
_____
I wake up well rested and happy, and I feel like I’ve moved to another country instead of a different zip code, and you know what? Sometimes that just pisses people off. Maybe I’ve had so much trouble finding contentment because jealousy and some sick sense of entitlement of others has kept me from it all this time. Eff that noise.

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Jon

I cried.

Because I thought,
maybe this would
be the last time.

But I smiled, too.

Because I thought,
how lucky you are
to have known him.

And I sang along.

Because I thought,
he would appreciate it
if he saw me back here:

Smiling,
tears falling into
my open mouth
raised in song.
~10/16/14
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I have some very talented friends. And I’m blessed to have a Best who is not only one of them, but appreciates the others. So we had an early birthday date to listen to Matt and Atla perform, and Jon Hendricks was there, of course. 93 years old. Still sparkling. What a treasure he is to the jazz world and I am so, so grateful that I have known him.

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Office Door

I may not have one
but I know I deserve one
and that is the kind of thing
no one can unmake in me.
~10/14/14
_____
I don’t even need the corner office. Just one with a door would suffice. I’ve earned it.

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