Between Us Now

That was the last day
I let myself worry about
whether or not you would
appear around the corner -
I can feel you retreating,
not a moment too soon.

The streets are alive
and so am I -
far more than
I ever came to
under your care.

I made a plan and
I am following it.
I proclaimed my
intentions and I am
following through.

I’m remembering
so much that I had
been happy to forget,
but I think it will make
more sense this time.

The truth is, my darling,
if you were there
around the next corner
I would be hard pressed
to register your presence
in the rush of other people
and more important matters
that stand between us now.
~4/19/14
_____
I’m not going to lie. I was a little scared. And then it was over and I thought, not only am I not scared, I’m… what’s the word for more than “over it”? It’s not that I don’t care anymore, because I do, it is just completely irrelevant. That’s it. Irrelevant.

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Don’t

Don’t tell me
my voice is beautiful.
Don’t compliment
my use of words.
Don’t encourage me
to speak them louder.

I don’t want to
talk about poetry.
I don’t want to abuse
language that way.

The day will come
when I don’t hear
past voices in every
present moment.

But until then
don’t push me.
Don’t praise me.
Don’t remind me.
~4/16/14
_____
Various attributes of myself are constantly betraying me. My voice is probably highest among them. Someday someone will say “You’ve got a beautiful voice” and I’ll take it for the compliment it was meant as.

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Fishing

I want to help you
but I don’t know how
and I think you have
already decided to
jump off this cliff
regardless of the
consequences and no,
I will not go with you.
If it’s in my power
I promise to be here
to catch you if you ever
reach the bottom of this.
~4/15/14

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Not Out

I think
deep down
where you would
never admit it
you want to
mean more to me
than you do and
knowing that and
knowing you don’t
helps more than any
other thing could.
~4/14/14

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Yet

You said “I don’t know
your body by heart,”
and I smiled, thinking
about the few that
I have memorized
over the years.

She didn’t have
many curves
but I spent hours
running my fingers
over every rise and fall.

He had hands that could
pull me anywhere
storied and callused
and I can still recall
the sensation of being
carried away by them.

You said, “I don’t know
your body by heart,”
and I smiled, knowing
the only appropriate
response is “Yet.”
~4/14/14
_____
It was a good weekend for poetry. That’s what happens when the hibernation ends and you actually leave your tower…

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Need

I needed you and
you weren’t here.
It’s a sensation that
I have forgotten
over the years.

You haven’t been here
in a very long time but
tonight, I needed you.
And you weren’t here.

I want to say that I managed
just fine without you and that
I didn’t notice your absence
but you’re the only one who
can stop the noise from sinking
into my spine and I needed you
here to cut through the din and
I haven’t needed that or you in
years but tonight, I needed you.
And you weren’t here.
~4/14/14
_____
Note to self: Don’t go to the club when that club has a history of inducing a panic attack when your ex-girlfriend isn’t around anymore to pull you out of said massive panic attack.

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Follow

I will never be comfortable
with how well you know me
but I will keep on insisting
it’s only because you are
that tuned in and not
that I am so predictable.

More often than not I would
like to strangle you in frustration
but then I turn around and think
how great it is to have someone
who will always call me out and
challenge me to be more
but make no secret of
his stake in the matter.

And I don’t want to remember
what it was like to kiss you
but I admit that sometimes
I just can’t help it
because now and then
you look at me and
it goes right through me -
leaving a handprint on
the small of my back,
the ghost of your touch.
~4/11/14
_____
I’ll tell you a secret. Most of the time I feel incredibly naive. But sometimes, I don’t mind it.

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