Where has the time gone?
Festival is over again. And as I uploaded pictures yesterday I realized that I haven’t taken my camera out all summer.
This is so very not ok and indicative of the problems I’ve been trying to solve for years now.
So, last time we talked I told you things were going to change. And as a justification for why they haven’t yet, I can only say that I had responsibilities which had to be fulfilled before I could start throwing up my hands and screaming, “NO!” at absolutely everyone who opens their mouth to speak in my presence.
I had two deadlines, one for work and another for Festival, happening at the exact same time. My meter went down to zero. And then a week later, Festival itself. I am so disheartened by myself, that I allowed my life to turn into this.
I wanted to live this summer. Actually leave the apartment and do things. Instead I spent all of it in front of a computer, for the most part. I am running out of people, and the ones that I have aren’t adding anything to my life (beyond the support I can always count on them for and do not for a moment discount).
I talk about New Betsy every six months, it seems. I *know* what the problem is and what I need to do to fix it, but I always get bogged down in the details and chicken out at the last minute. The only thing that makes this time different, I think, is that I have finally admitted to myself and those who constantly peck at me how dreadfully unhappy I am by my circumstances. I am exhausted from always having to be the someone when “someone has to do it.”
I’ve never tried to be happy because somewhere deep inside me, thanks to upbringing and lost loves and misunderstandings and mental health problems, I always figured I never deserved it. Well, whether I deserve it or not, I’m going for it this time. I can’t go on like this anymore. I do my best and I give my all and there are still people talking about how little I provide or how badly I perform and I am done dancing for you.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys.