New Plan

Last night, one glass of wine in,
trying to justify our wrong choices -
why we make them and for whom,
Teddy said, “But the point is…”

“Fuck ‘em?” I replied.

“No,” he frowned.
“…Let them fuck themselves!”
~10/22/14
_____
Also, Happy Birthday to the Best! <3

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Schedule

Monday made me
clammy from going
so very far away and

Tuesday did its best
to keep me moving

Wednesday is a walk
to the other side of town

and Thursday there’s
a moment to be closer.

Friday is crawling towards us
and I will crawl my way through

and Saturday will take me back
to where this week started

Sunday seems a world away
at this very moment
and who knows
where I’ll be headed
once I get there.
~10/22/14
_____
Monday I went shopping and Tuesday I cleaned and tonight I have a board meeting and tomorrow a board obligation and Friday there’s a bar crawl and Saturday there’s work to do and Sunday my little sister is preaching at a church on the other side of the world and WHAT IS MY LIFE?! <3

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Around Here

I laughed
when they said
it was because
I drank too much

like I’m not this
sharp tongued
and loud when
I am sober.

When I asked what
her problem was
with me not having
any problems she
said “because of
your past…”

Sad, really.

That you will
always be considered
what you were
when you were
at your worst
around here.
~10/20/14
_____
I wake up well rested and happy, and I feel like I’ve moved to another country instead of a different zip code, and you know what? Sometimes that just pisses people off. Maybe I’ve had so much trouble finding contentment because jealousy and some sick sense of entitlement of others has kept me from it all this time. Eff that noise.

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Jon

I cried.

Because I thought,
maybe this would
be the last time.

But I smiled, too.

Because I thought,
how lucky you are
to have known him.

And I sang along.

Because I thought,
he would appreciate it
if he saw me back here:

Smiling,
tears falling into
my open mouth
raised in song.
~10/16/14
_____
I have some very talented friends. And I’m blessed to have a Best who is not only one of them, but appreciates the others. So we had an early birthday date to listen to Matt and Atla perform, and Jon Hendricks was there, of course. 93 years old. Still sparkling. What a treasure he is to the jazz world and I am so, so grateful that I have known him.

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Office Door

I may not have one
but I know I deserve one
and that is the kind of thing
no one can unmake in me.
~10/14/14
_____
I don’t even need the corner office. Just one with a door would suffice. I’ve earned it.

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National Coming Out Day

It’s lunchtime on Friday, and I’m writing my NCOD post a little early because tomorrow I’ll be running around Pennsylvania with my cousins having a gay old time, no pun intended.

Here’s the thing, internet. Here’s my current reality. I said to a friend just yesterday how much I am looking forward to spending the weekend with my cousins because I have been suffocated by the sheer number of gay people I’ve been surrounded by the past few weeks.

My best friend is super gay. Like – astronauts, small dogs, blind people, know he’s gay. My little sister and I moved in together this month, and she works for an LGBT lobbying group. I know many people have differing opinions on this, but my reality sits here: I would rather be the cute little (head pat) bisexual oddity in a crowd than be the only bisexual in a group of gay people. It is HARD.

Personifying the B in the LGBT is a complicated existence. And last night, when one of my sister’s friends and I were putting together the pieces of where my last girlfriend fits into the larger pool, I thought yeah… we broke in 2002. And I haven’t seriously dated another woman since. Does that mean I’m not attracted to women? ABSOLUTELY NOT. To be honest with you, the main reason is because most women in this town are either already in relationships, married, 12, or 60.

And that’s ok. Because as is evidenced by my life, I could just as easily fall in love with a man tomorrow. And it has taken so, so, sooooo long, but I’m finally ok with that. I don’t make excuses, I don’t need to justify my feelings, I’m not sure why we’re even talking about it at all, most of the time.

Except for the fact that it’s National Coming Out Day. And coming out still matters. So this is me. Coming out. Again.

I will see you next year.

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Ripples

People die.
And then
hearts break.

But as the
years pass
I find myself
remembering
foremost
where I was
when I learned
that my lions
had gone to
their rest.

Whose arms
I ran to
for comfort.

It has been
ten years since
the day he
left us behind,
and all I remember

is that I was in
the bathroom,
cleaning off
the vanity.

Because my
mother was
coming over
and your
bachelor pad
embarrassed me.

The phone rang
and once my
best friend had
told me the news,
I looked up at you
through my tear-
stained lashes
and you said,

“Come here.

I’ll take care
of that.

I’ll take care
of you.”
~10/7/14

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